I'm Not Racist

I absolutely hate getting my hair cut. If I weren't balding, I would just let it grow long and be free. Unfortunately for me, I'm getting a little thin on top. The longer my hair gets, the more bald I look. At least that's how my loving wife has worded it in the past. She likes my hair short. Not too short. Not short enough that I could just put a number 2 on the clippers and go to town, but short. About every 5-6 weeks I am overdue for a haircut. Yes, overdue. I am very much due for a haircut for about a five day period (usually 3-4 weeks after my previous haircut). But the haircut never happens during the period when it has become necessary. Thus, when I do get a haircut, it is always overdue.

I have reasons for my loathing of haircuts.

First, I hate paying for a haircut. I will always find the cheapest haircut I can. You will typically find me at one of three places: Great Clips, Fantastic Sams, or Super Cuts. There is no way I am actually going to make an appointment, go to a salon, and pay $30 for a haircut. Not worth it. As I mentioned above, I need haircuts often, and there is no way I'm shelling out $30 a month.

Second, I hate the itchy mess after a haircut. Really, is it that hard to keep the majority of the tiny hairs out of my shirt? What's the point of the apron? Is it there to trap the hairs just so the lady can funnel them right down the back of my shirt when she's done? Honestly.

Final reason (which is my own fault I guess): Without fail, I always have crazy Asians cutting my hair. Regardless of location, time of day, and number of good deeds done throughout the course of the week, I always get stuck with the weird Asian chick. Like I said, I am not racist. I love Asian food, and I think they know how to make cars. I actually find the half-breeds very attractive as well. But, I do not like it when they cut my hair. I know this could be avoided by finding a girl that I like at a salon, but then I would have to overcome my number one hatred for haircuts and I just don't know if I'm ready for that.

I have two stories to share. About 4 months ago, I went to the Fantastic Sam's by my house. It is close by, convenient, and almost never has a wait early in the morning. There were three girls working there and all of them were finishing up a haircut. Two of the girls were nice-looking girls who had taken some pride in themselves while getting ready for the day. But in the blue corner, weighing in at 67 lbs, was a tiny little Asian lady. Of course, she finished first and invited me back. I sat down, told her that I wanted a number one on the sides and to taper it up and blend it to a finger length on the top. Easy, right? I thought so. After all, that is the same haircut about 2 million other guys in the State of Utah have. She seemed to understand and started cutting away. It was going well, until she started asking me questions and tried to make small talk. I was giving my typical one-word answers trying to hint that I was just there for a haircut and really didn't care about the swap meet at the fair grounds. Then she told me that she needed to ask me a guy's opinion on something. I gave her the go-ahead and she went on to ask me if it would be weird to get her boyfriend a 4th of July present. They had only been dating a couple of weeks and she didn't want to come on too strong.... la la la.... What?!

Was she really asking me about getting a 4th of July present for some guy she has been seeing for two weeks? I told her that it was really up to her and I didn't think he would mind. She then muttered something about looking for some new sneakers she could probably find for him at the swap meet. She did some touching up on my hair and asked if it looked alright.

Somewhat surprised, I responded, "Uh, sure. The half that you have cut looks great."

"OMG, I was so worried about what to buy my boyfriend that I only cut half of your hair!"

Yes, I do believe this woman was a genius. She finished up and took me over to wash my hair. This is where I got weirded out. As she was washing my hair, she put sat me up, put one palm on my forehead, and started beating on the pack of my head with the heal of her other palm. I don't know if she was casting a spell on my or what, but it was odd and I didn't talk to her again. I still can't figure out what that was all about.

This morning while I was out getting the mail with Hurley, I noticed a coupon in our mailbox. $7.99 haircut at Great Clips. Great! I love haircut coupons, and I am about exactly 2 weeks overdue for a haircut. I'm supposed to be taking it easy since I'm still in recovery from my surgery, but I thought it would be nice to get out and get the haircut situation taken care of.

I walked into Great Clips and there was only one lady working. Yep, she was about 4' 6" tall and freshly imported from Japan. I sat down in the chair, gave her my typical instruction, and waited for her attempt to make small talk. It didn't take long. Before I knew it, she was asking me where I grew up and what I like to do. I told her that I don't have a lot of free time lately with work and school keeping me busy. This led to a conversation about me studying accounting and how I decided that is what I want to do. Then, out of nowhere, she said to me (very excited-like), "I need to tell you something. Last winter I was in Idaho with my husband and I walked into the bathroom at the ski resort and there was a woman who looked like a man. I couldn't tell if she was a man, so I thought maybe I was in the wrong bathroom. But then I realized it was just a really ugly woman. That was scary."

What the...? Where did that come from? OK, I get it. Accounting is kinda nerdy, and a lot of the girls in my classes aren't the most attractive. Is that where she pulled that story from? I just don't get it. Then she gave me what is probably the worst haircut of my life. At least it was only $7.99. I'm not racist.